


A Baby Gay in New York City

by LitsyKalyptica



Series: A Baby Gay in New York City [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: A very loving relationship, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Alex and Laf were both adopted by the Washingtons, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Thoughts, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, But not like it usually is, Coming Out, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fish out of Water, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Male Character, Genderfluid Character, Healthy Relationships, Homophobia, Insecurity, John gets to be out for the first time, Like everyone else is adopted too, M/M, Mental Health Issues, New York City, No slow burn we jump right into romance like men, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rainbows, References to Depression, Roommates, Self-Harm, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Female Character, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:30:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14314608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LitsyKalyptica/pseuds/LitsyKalyptica
Summary: John gets to be out for the first time when he moves to New York, just in time to meet one Alexander Hamilton.





	1. Chapter 1

_ On behalf of the City University of New York City College, I would like to congratulate _

And that was as far as John got before collapsing onto his bed in relief. The thick envelope had been promising (his peers often asserted that “colleges only send the big envelopes when you get accepted”), but he couldn’t believe it until he read the first line of that letter. His previously rigid body went lax against his quilt, the breath he’d been holding coming out in a huff of a laugh. He felt like crying. Happy tears came to his eyes for the first time in as long as he could remember.

He read the letter over and over, the reality of it sinking in just a little more each time. He lost track of time, but around four Martha came knocking at his door to let him know she was home from swim practice. He expected her to walk away, but she knocked again.

“Jack? Are you in there?”... “Come on, let’s go out for a bit.”

He stood to get dressed, all earthy colors. He liked the colors, but they were deliberate. He would like to wear something brighter, bolder, something that felt truer to himself. But he couldn’t risk tipping anyone off.

Before he left the room, he read the letter over one more time. He thought he’d memorized it by now. But this time, he could swear he saw it close with,  _ You’re going to New York. Everything will be okay now. _

 

John spent the next three months hyping himself up.

“You’re— You’re gay and proud,” he whispered to himself, hopping from one foot to the other. He shouldn’t have had to worry about his family or anyone hearing him; it was five-thirty in the morning, and there was no way anyone was awake yet. Not to mention he was outside, doing some light exercise on the lawn. “You’re not wasting any New York time in the closet.” 

He’d repeated such sentiments at any opportunity he had, because if he said it more he would believe it, and if he believed it it must come true.

He stretched out both arms, mind wandering to the future again, and then to more toxic thoughts.

_ Papa’s paying for your school. He’ll be paying your rent. You’ll keep living on his dime, and how do you repay him? _

He pulled a well-worn elastic out of his hair and switched it to his wrist.

_ You’re betraying your family leading a double life. You’ll go and be the gay son he never would’ve wanted. He’ll regret adopting you. He’ll want to send you back. _

He shook out his curls and snapped the band against his wrist whenever a bad thought came to mind. Recently it had worked.

_ And your brothers and sisters, they’ll hate you too. They never asked for _ —

_ No. Stop. He has no right to your personal life. If he can’t love you, all of you, then… then… _

His mind stuttered. He wanted to crawl back into bed.

“Jack!”

He turned, looking around for a moment before finding Martha on her balcony.

“Come on, you’ll be late for school!”

How long had he been out here? He checked the time. Six-thirty. When did that happen?

He waved at her and pulled out his phone, pulled up his notes, and added a quick reminder: “LOOK FOR THERAPIST IN NY.”

 

His father insisted on the six of them going out to dinner before he left. John even got to pick where they went. His siblings all had very different taste in food, and although Papa had forbidden any complaining from them, John chose a steakhouse that he was lukewarm on but that his siblings all loved.

The hostess was cheery as she brought them to a large table in the back. She mistook John for Martha’s boyfriend. It was far from the first time, but it squicked them out every time.

“Can’t you stay til August?” Junior asked, hanging off his side, pouting and hoping the puppy dog eyes would convince his big brother to stick around. “School always starts in August!”

John laughed and ruffled his brother’s hair. “Sorry, buddy, no can do. I have to make sure I have a place to live.” He’d have a month or so to get settled before he would have to focus on school. Good. He would’ve left earlier, wanted to be out as soon as he graduated, but his father insisted he stay and spent 4th of July with his family. He agreed with some silent reluctance and looked for rainbows in the fireworks.

Junior pouted and sat next to Jem, arms crossed tight against his chest and scowling. Papa pinched him on the back of his arm and he “dropped the attitude.” John helped Martha get a fussing Mary into the booster seat. At least he hadn’t missed the Terrible Twos. He kissed his baby sister on the top of her head as she started on coloring the placemat. She looked just like her mama.

John ordered a salad, and for it got endless teasing from his carnivorous little brothers. But it was the only thing on the menu he could bring himself to eat. Maybe it’d be easier to be a vegetarian in New York, too.

“Jack?” Papa asked. “You’re not eating.”

He’d just been pushing the salad around on his plate. “Oh. Yeah.” He speared a bit of lettuce and a cherry tomato and brought the fork to his mouth.

His father just smiled. “The nerves getting to you?”

“I guess.”

“It’s a big change.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve already found a place for you. Nice apartment, all the amenities. Not too far from the school.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“You’re quiet, Jack,” Jem interjected.

“Nerves, I guess.” He ate another forkful of mediocre salad.

“We’re all proud of you, Jacky,” his father continued. He seemed to mean it. John felt lightheaded and took a sip of water.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added a self-harm tag. It's nothing graphic here, but it's self-injurious behavior and I don't want anyone to have to read that if they're uncomfortable.

Straight off the bus, John headed into a gift shop. He could feeling a crawling under his skin as he inspected his options. He was looking for anything that might help him be more open about a part of himself he’d hidden for years. He almost cried as he realized it was so much easier than he’d expected.

He paid cash, and walked out with an “I ♡ NY” t-shirt, the heart made of rainbow stripes. It was subtle enough to help him transition out of the closet, not too obvious but obvious enough that there wouldn’t be any reasonable doubt about his sexuality.

John had hidden too long, and he couldn’t wait any longer. He changed his shirt in the station bathroom. He fidgeted with the hem and caught himself in the cracked mirror.

It looked perfect on him.

 

John’s apartment was empty when he arrived.

He set his bags down near the door and went to explore. There was a small kitchen, a small living room, a bedroom, and a bathroom. The living room and bedroom were devoid of furniture. John checked his phone and realized he had an email from his father.

_ Jack, I’ve spoken to the furnishers of your new apartment, and though I had some strong words with them, they said they won’t be able to deliver your belongings until tomorrow. It’s a shame your time in New York is getting off to such a rough start, but I trust you’ll make the most of it. You may use my card to book a hotel room. _

John wasn’t fazed by the news. He had brought a sleeping bag. He unfurled it and climbed inside for a good night’s sleep.

 

He wore his new shirt again the next day, and was almost giddy as he was able to wear it openly without anyone even batting an eye. This was his new neighborhood; he could walk around with an explicitly gay shirt and no one even noticed. (No one looked at him at all, really, and that might take some getting used to, but it was a welcome change.) This never would’ve happened back home.  _ Back home. _ He thought about it for a moment. _ This is home now _ , he decided, and couldn’t contain his smile.

This shirt was his first step. And he wanted more.

John went shopping for more rainbow clothing.

The nearest department store didn’t prove terribly promising. Most more colorful clothing was in the women’s section.  _ Try it on. _ Telling himself it was just for shits and giggles, he skimmed through the most attractive aisle to find something that might be his size. He knew from Martha just what hell it was to find the right size in women’s clothing. He didn’t envy them one bit. But once he decided that he was probably a large, it became a little easier. With some hesitation, he plucked a soft sweater off the rack and folded it over his arm.

The young man attending the men’s dressing room didn’t bat an eye at the sweater. The man would never know, but he played quite a large part in bolstering John’s confidence.

The sweater was a little tight across his shoulders, but not too terribly; he could still move his arms and everything, even though the hem of the sweater raised a little bit when he put his arms up. And it looked good on him. Colorful stripes crossed his chest. This one was much more apparent than the shirt he’d just changed out of… but it didn’t feel wrong on him. It didn’t bother him at all. Made him feel good, in fact.

_ You’re gayer than you thought you were. _ He laughed.  _ I don’t think I could be gayer than I thought I was. Now I can show it, though. _

Satisfied, he kept shopping.

He found a few more shirts, and even a pair of shorts, but it was one item in particular that caught his attention just before he was about to pay and head out. A simple silver band, it didn’t look like anything special at first, but on closer inspection the inside revealed itself to be a rainbow pattern. Maybe for those who couldn’t be open about themselves, but still felt pride in who they were.

$75. John didn’t hesitate. He bought it knowing he’d need it for whenever he visited home. He couldn’t go back to how he was before —not now that he’s tasted freedom, and freedom tasted sweeter than his nana’s peach tea.

 

John very carefully picked out his outfit for the first day of classes. He tried on every combination of shirts and pants and shoes he could conceive of the night before, all looking good but none quite satisfying. He had felt itchy, restless, but attributed that to the sweater that was too warm in his apartment. He finally decided on the same shirt he’d worn out of the bus station that first day, a nice pair of dark jeans, and a pair of white boots. It was less unsatisfying to him than the others, and he needed to get to bed.

 

The thought of sleep was useless.

_ It’s going to be just like school. No one will like you. You have no friends. You’ll be all alone. _

He groaned and turned over, and looked at the time on his phone. Just past midnight.

His mind took on a different point of view: a more painful one.

_ I’ll get lazy and almost flunk out just like before. I’ll be sent home. I’ll have blown my only chance at freedom. _

He buried his face in the pillow, pretended it would help keep the tears back.

_ I’ll have to go back. In shame. Back to where I can’t be my real self. What if I can never get away again? _

He punched himself in the arm.

_ No. You didn’t flunk out then, and you won’t now. You’re stronger than this. _

He struck himself again, as if to prove it.

_ You’ll do better this time. You’ll be better this time. You can be your real self. _

The positive self-talk never took on an “I” perspective. Maybe he’d get there one day.


	3. Chapter 3

John thought he would be first to his Spanish class. He was wrong.

_ This is your chance. Make some friends. _

There was one other person in the classroom when he got there. A young man with his hair up in a ponytail, a pencil stuck through the top. He wore glasses, and his eyes were glittering with undivided focus, but he was otherwise obscured by the screen of his open laptop. He could be heard clacking away at the keys from across the room. 

The man was definitely handsome, and though John felt more comfortable about being open with his sexuality here, he still had no experience. John pretended to yawn.  _ You’re smiling and blushing like a damn fool. Don’t make an ass of yourself already. _

John centered himself and focused some background energy on controlling his involuntary responses to seeing an attractive man. He was an expert at that by now.

But where to sit? He couldn’t sit right next to the other man, there were too many seats in the room for it to seem unintentional. He couldn’t sit all the way across the room without possibly alienating a new classmate and potential friend; and besides, he didn’t want to. John’s eyes darted from seat to seat, wondering which would prove the safest and most advantageous. And it only lasted a few seconds (he wasn’t dwelling on it), but it was just enough time for the other student to notice him there.

And to John’s great surprise, he was greeted with a bright smile. If anyone else had been present he might’ve thought it was meant for someone else.

“Good morning! Are you waiting for someone?”

John shook his head with some confusion. “Oh, no, I’m just looking for a place to sit.” He didn’t realize until he said it just how ridiculous that sounded in a room full of empty seats. 

But the other man was unfazed by this. He laughed, but it didn’t sound mocking like John had expected. “Well, I’ve got a seat right here next to me, if you’re still looking.”

John nodded and sat down in the seat next to him. They were sat across from the door; anyone passing could see them sitting together in a near empty room. They might assume something. John took a deep breath and told himself not to care.  _ This is a step. This guy seems nice. If anyone cares that you’re sitting next to a potential new friend, they can suck it. _

“So what’s your name?”

They went through introducing themselves, and John learned that the other’s name was Alexander, or Alex for short. “I’m in my second year, but I started early so I’m about the same age as all the freshmen.” Something about that was reassuring to John. “What are you studying?”

“I’m here for pre-law.”

“Family’s decision?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine. I’m double majoring in journalism and history.”

“Do you have a favorite?”

Alex laughed, and the sound echoed in the hollow room and in John’s head. “Honestly, journalism. But you can’t expect to report on world events if you don’t know the historical precedent for what’s going on today.”

John smiled almost shyly. “That sounds about right.”

Alex pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and his eyes softened behind the lenses. “You have a nice smile.”

John quickly covered his mouth, but his face was burning red again, and he couldn’t hide that even with both hands.  _ Was that flirting? Is he flirting? Is the shirt really paying off? _

Damn. It seemed that in fear of being found out, John had been much more in control of physiological responses. In the absence of another emotional response to override it, he was turning out so much more obvious. It was almost embarrassing, not because he was embarrassed of his attraction, but of how inadvertantly evident he was making it. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled. He uncovered his face to smile at Alex again. A little wider this time, he thought,  _ Let’s see what happens now. _

And the size of Alex’s smile matched his own as he sat comfortably in a very uncomfortable seat.

_ Nailed it. _ (It was maybe the first time in the history of ever that this line wasn’t sarcastic.)

“Hey, um…” Alex glanced at the door, making sure no one was joining them, before he continued. “Your shirt, um… Are you gay?”

John nodded rather easily. Maybe it was a little too optimistic, but he didn’t think Alex would turn him away now.  _ Maybe. _

But Alex just smiled. “Okay, cool.” And then, as if to make an even exchange, “I’m bi myself.” Alex reached into his messenger bag and pulled out a slightly crumpled piece of paper. He passed it to John. “Here.”

John took a look at what turned out to be a flyer. He was quickly intrigued by the content.

QUEER & CO.

For  _ Everyone _ & _ Anyone _ under the LGBTQ+ Umbrella

Tuesdays @ 7

G.I. Meeting - 9/4

Contact:  [ a.ham@gmail.com ](mailto:a.ham@gmail.com) or  [ dissatisfied7@gmail.com ](mailto:dissatisfied7@gmail.com) for more information!

“Are you interested?”

This had to be too good to be true. He had met a friend on his first day of class, he was possibly being flirted with by that same friend, and he was invited to meet a bunch more people like himself. John nodded, an airy smile growing.

Alex, satisfied, settled back in his seat. “Everyone else seems to be taking quite a while.”

“Yeah, seems so.” John checked the time: 11:07. The class was supposed to start at 11. He checked his schedule again, scanning for anything that might be amiss. “Alex? Are we in 109?”

Alex leaned far forward to look at the door. “No, this is 119.”

John blanched. “We’re in the wrong room.”

“Shit.”

Alex packed up his laptop and other belongings. He made sure the pencil was still in his hair and stood, but he held back. “Hey? You coming?” He reached for John’s hand. “Come on, I’ll lead the way.”

John took his hand.

 

The professor didn’t say anything about them being late, but when he thrust a syllabus into each of their hands, they could see that there was a very strict no-tardy policy. “The attendance policy will be in effect starting next class.”

Alex nodded stiffly. He seemed to John so much different with a professor than he’d been when it was just the two of them. Almost a completely different person. John wished he could keep sitting next to him, hoping that his presence could help keep Alex more at ease, but the only available seats were in each back corner of the room.

The syllabus overview wasn’t exactly engaging, but John forced himself to take notes and ask questions. He wanted to leave a good first impression. Well, first impression was already ruined, but maybe he still had time to undo it. He kept glancing over at Alex, and Alex’s focused attention was encouraging. 

Class let out at noon, when there was nothing on the first day to fill the remaining fifteen minutes. Alex was almost immediately at John’s side. “Hey, I’m starving. Do you want to grab lunch with me?”

John grinned and tucked his chin into his chest as he packed up his belongings. His hands moved quickly. “What did you have in mind?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how I met my first friend in high school.  
> Don't forget to comment!


	4. Chapter 4

They came to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Alex’s hand was on John’s arm, leading him along. John tried to read the menu board, but it was all written in Spanish. John was about to ask Alex what any of it said, only to find Alex was engaged in a lively conversation with two of the cooks. John tried to pick out any words he might know, but found he knew even less than he thought he did; any words he could recognize he connected back to his French lessons, and it really wasn’t proving very helpful.

But Alex was cute when he was enthusiastic, so John just enjoyed the view.

It was burning hot in there, but the whole place smelled delicious. The selection of various meats and rice could be seen through the steamy glass. John’s mouth was watering by the time Alex’s attention returned to him. 

“What are you hungry for?”

John looked over his options, trying to judge just by the look of it what would taste the best. “Um… I don’t know. I’m vegetarian, so—”

“Oh! I know just what you’ll like.” Alex patted him on the shoulder and returned to Spanish to order their food. John was surprised by how much he trusted Alex to pick something he’d like. Then again, John couldn’t imagine any of this food wasn’t delicious: the mere scent of the place had him reconsidering his aversion to meat. He reminded himself it wouldn’t be worth it. Even the most delicious barbecue back home (his uncle’s brisket) wasn’t worth it.

“So, how long have you been a rabbit?”

“I’m sorry?”

“A rabbit. Vegetarian. That’s what my mom calls it.” Alex grinned and leaned in close to whisper. “Though I know I’ve seen a rabbit eat a mouse before. It’s crazy, but it’s true!”

John giggled despite the morbid imagery. Actually giggled. It should have been embarrassing, but with Alex, and with Alex’s smile, it wasn’t.

They waited in a comfortable if sweaty silence while their food was being prepared and packaged.

And then John burst out laughing.

Alex laughed a little awkwardly in return, but he couldn’t lie, that laugh was brilliant. Alex wanted to hear it more often. “What’s so funny?”

“Why— Why are you taking an introductory Spanish class if you’re already fluent?”

Alex stuffed his hands into his pockets, head tilting forward, only the barest smile on his lips. “I just wanted one thing I didn’t have to really work at.”

 

They went to a nearby park to sit and eat their food. It was cool out, a welcome break from the long and hot summer. John started thinking he would have an easier time missing South Carolina in the winter months, but only possibly maybe when the snow got really inconvenient.

Alex found them a tiny empty table, barely big enough for their three styrofoam containers of varied sizes. “Here, we’ll share the rice.” He put the largest container in the middle of the table, and checked the scribbled marks on each of the others. “Okay, this is yours.”

“What is it?”

“Just try it, it’s good.”

John popped the container open. He didn’t know what he’d expected, but sweet plantains were a pleasant surprise. John barely touched any of the rice before he finished his plantains. Alex more evenly divided his attention between the rice and his pernil.

“So, you never answered. How long have you been a rabbit?”

John laughed, covering his mouth in case any bits of food decided to fly out. “Six years.”

“No lapses?”

He shook his head. 

Alex’s eyebrows raised with the corners of his mouth. “Impressive. Has it been difficult?”

“A little bit, just because there was always meat around. But it’s never been my favorite food group.”

Alex leaned back in his seat and gave a look of mock disgust. “I don’t think we’re very compatible then.”

John laughed and picked at the rice, rolling a bean across its surface. “I think we’re pretty compatible, if you love meat. You can eat the meat, and I’ll eat the rabbit food.”

Alex burst into a fit of laughter. It lasted just long enough to have John blushing and trying to hide his own broad smile. Alex’s face was just as red and warm-looking as he came up for air. “Okay, okay, that wasn’t that funny. I don’t know why I laughed that hard.” He let out a few residual chuckles before settling down for good. “I guess you’re right. We’re pretty compatible in that area.” He sipped from his water bottle. “So, you’re not from around here. Where are you from?”

“Charleston. Well, just outside of Charleston. South Carolina.”

“Oh, okay. My family actually lives in Virginia, it’s just my brother and I that are in New York for school.”

“You have a brother?”

“My adoptive brother. Well, we were both adopted by the same parents.

John was silent a moment, mind almost reeling at the fact they were both adopted. “How, um, how old were you when you were adopted?”

“Fourteen.” Alex chuckled. “Laf and I actually argue about who’s the older sibling, because I’m older, but he was adopted first.”

John smiled sheepishly. “That sounds like an interesting debate. I’m, uh, actually adopted, too.”

Alex’s eyes lit up. “No shit?”

John laughed, just a little more comfortably. “No shit. I’m the only one, though. My brothers and sisters are all my parents’ biological children.”

“Where do you fall in the order?”

“I’m the oldest.”  _ Mama and Papa thought they couldn’t have a baby. And then after they already had me, they found out they could. _

“Well, I’ll let you know if we have that in common, too, once Laf and I come to some sort of agreement.”

John took a sip of water and smiled, leaning against the table on his folded arms. He glanced at Alex, then away, and repeat. His cheeks were slowly starting to heat up again. He needed to know. “Hey, Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Is this a date?”

Alex smiled softly and packed up his leftovers. “I wanted to leave that up to you.”

He looked so shy about it. It was really cute. But before John could answer, Alex kept talking.

“I like you. You seem really nice so far, and, honestly, you’re really hot, too. I like spending time with you, and want to get to know you better. I just… thought I’d be honest about all of that, just so you could know. Don’t feel pressured or anything. I’d be more than grateful to have you as a friend.”

John smiled, and reached across the table to take Alex’s hand over the quickly cooling rice. 

Alex eagerly took it.

“So, when can I expect a second date?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no patience for slow-burn.


	5. Chapter 5

Their first week of school had proven a little too busy for them to hang out much. But they always saw each other in Spanish, getting their first, always sitting together and enjoying what time they had before class began, and they would linger afterward. Alex had his intro to media studies class right after Spanish on Wednesday, and John had a dreaded math class after their Thursday class, and Alex had work all weekend (“I promise, it’s not every weekend. I’m actually usually available”). So they just eagerly awaited the next opportunity they had to get lunch together. John had been dropping hints that he wanted to return to the Puerto Rican kitchen they’d ordered from for their first date. 

But then Alex was out on Monday.

John waited in his usual seat, fingers drumming against his desk. He wondered if he’d gotten the wrong room. He wondered if it was the wrong class or the wrong day, but he quickly shooed that thought away.  _ You’ve been waiting all weekend to see Alex, you wouldn’t pick the wrong day _ . John texted him as soon as he realized Alex wasn’t coming in, but by then other students were piling in, and he knew he likely wouldn’t get a response before he had to put his phone away.

> **_John:_ ** _ Alex? Are you okay? _
> 
> **_Alex:_ ** _ Yeah, John, I’m fine! I got called into work last minute. I’m probably gonna quit this place. _
> 
> **_John:_ ** _ Okay, I’m glad you’re alright. Do you want me to bring you lunch later? _
> 
> **_Alex:_ ** _ I’m actually grabbing lunch with my brother. Do you want to join us? _

_ Don’t impose. _

> **_John:_ ** _ Oh, I’ll be alright. I should probably get some work done. _
> 
> **_Alex:_ ** _ Hey, I’m really sorry. If it helps at all, I miss you. _

John smiled softly.

> **_John:_ ** _ It does help. I miss you too. _
> 
> **_Alex:_ ** _ We have the Queer  & Co. meeting tomorrow! Are you excited? _
> 
> **_John:_ ** _ Excited. And nervous. _
> 
> **_Alex:_ ** _ Nervous? _
> 
> **_John:_ ** _ Class is starting. I’ll see you soon. _
> 
> **_Alex:_ ** _ I’ll walk with you to the meeting tomorrow! _

 

_ You’re gonna make friends. You’re gonna go make more friends. _

John was meticulous in picking his outfit for that night.  _ You’re gonna dress super gay tonight _ . He needed to make the right first impression on other members of the LGBTQ+ community, something he was still incredibly new to and with which he had a corresponding lack of experience. It almost made him want to cry thinking about just how much time he’d wasted in the closet, and whether the others would judge him for still not being out to his family.

He did cry, but just a little bit.

He decided on the same rainbow sweater he’d bought early in his stay. A nylon-blend pastel rainbow colors and incredibly fluffy, it made John feel super soft and, yes, very gay. “Well…” He smiled as he looked himself over in the mirror. “I always feel at least a  _ little _ gay… And that’s probably an understatement.”

He changed into a pair of dark gray shorts, sky blue socks, and the same white boots he’d been wearing when he met Alex.  _ Will Alex notice? Will he care? Will he care what you wear at all? What if you’re dressed all wrong? _ He shook the thoughts off and tied his hair back with a glittery rainbow scrunchie.

The only thing about his outfit that he wasn’t regretting was how he proudly decked himself out in rainbows.  _ You were in the closet too long, and now you’re coming out of it with all the rainbow clothes you found inside! _

John’s phone buzzed a little before six. He flicked the screen on and found Alex had texted him.

**_Alex:_ ** _ I’m almost there! Are you almost ready? _

**_John:_ ** _ Yeah, I’m ready. 813A. I can meet you downstairs though. _

**_Alex:_ ** _ No, I’ll be up in a few minutes! I’m actually outside your building right now. It’s nice, by the way. _

John bit down hard on his lip.  _ Papa would be pissed if he found out you were inviting your gay crush up to the apartment he’s paying for. _

“No,” he thought out loud, trying to counter what he knew was the truth. “That’s… out of context. Alex isn’t coming up here except to take me to the meeting… The gay meeting…”

Two knocks at the door. “John?”

_ It’s now or never. _ “Okay. Now.” He turned and opened the door up for Alex, a wide grin on his face that Alex quickly returned.

 

Their walk to the meeting was long but pleasant. They didn’t talk much on the way; John was mostly lost in thought, but not necessarily bad thoughts.  _ Should I be a little more open about us? I’m already being pretty open about being gay, with the outfit and everything, but is Alex the same? _ He checked over Alex’s outfit. He was dressed pretty plainly, but he had a few buttons on his jacket and backpack that definitely suggested he was bisexual. And that he liked puns. John leaned closer against Alex’s side.

“Hey, Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you, um, out? Like, in public?”

Alex smirked at him. “Why do you ask?”

John leaned in a bit closer to Alex’s face to whisper, “Because I want to hold your hand.”

Alex’s smirk melted into a fond smile. “Then hold my hand.”

And he did, lacing their fingers together. It felt a little awkward for his hand, but John had never felt better.

 

Their destination, it turned out, was the other club president’s apartment. The elevator was slow in its ascent, but Alex made the most of that time together. “Hey, John? Are you alright?”

John nodded, more comfortably than he could’ve imagined earlier. “Yeah. I’m looking forward to meeting more people. More people like me, like you.”

Alex smiled and squeezed his hand. “I’m glad. And don’t worry, I know everyone who’s coming, and they’re all really nice.”

John smiled and looked down at the toes of his boots. Alex hadn’t commented on them, but maybe he would later. It didn’t matter anyway. He just liked being with Alex. “I trust you.”

John missed how Alex’s eyes glittered at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter, because I want the meeting to be a chapter in itself!


	6. Chapter 6

Alex and John were not the first arrivals at the meeting. There were three young women sitting around the living room. John assumed that the apartment belonged to one of them, so one of them was the other club president. One of the women, who seemed to be the oldest of them, came strutting toward them. She smiled warmly at John, a glittery bisexual flag on her dark cheek, before turning a harder gaze on Alex. “You’re late. First meeting of the semester and you’re late.”

Alex held up his hand that was entwined with John’s. “I had to pick up our newest member.”

She nodded, a smile returning to her face, and turned back to their guest in the rainbow sweater. “Hi, my name’s Angelica, she/her pronouns. And you?”

“John. Um… he/him pronouns.”

She smiled and handed him a name tag sticker where he could fill in the same information. “There are markers on the table. Liz! Peggy! Introduce yourselves.”

So, going into the living room with Alex at his side, John met Eliza (she/her) and Peggy (she/her), and they made comfortable small talk while they waited for the rest of their members to arrive. In the peripheral of his hearing, John heard Alex talking to Angelica. “So it’s just gonna be seven of us?”

“Really?”

“Did anyone else email you for the location?”

She laughed. “Jefferson said he was going to consider it, until he realized just who would be here.”

Alex shuddered against John’s side. “Ew. No, I’m glad he, of all people, isn’t here.” Angelica must have shot him a look. “I mean, I wouldn’t kick him out if he showed up, but I don’t think we should be in the same room together any more than we have to.” He sighed and rubbed his thumb absently over John’s. “So we’re just waiting on Laf and Herc.” Alex laughed. “And I think they’re on a date right now.”

“If they don’t show up in ten minutes I’m locking them out.” She didn’t sound like she meant it.

The last arrivals almost missed their alleged cutoff, flinging the door open nine minutes later. “Hello, friends!” the taller of the two shouted, pulling off a pair of sunglasses. “The party can start now that we’re here.” They both plopped down on the loveseat opposite John and Alex. “Oh, Alex, is this the boy you were telling me about?”

Okay, this must be Laf.

“He’s cute.”

John blushed, and Alex held onto his arm in mock jealousy. “If you try to seduce my boyfriend I am ready to seduce yours!”

_ Boyfriend? _

“Oh, don’t worry, Lex, I’m quite satisfied with my own man.”

The other man had been speaking to Eliza and Peggy, but he returned his attention to the stranger sitting next to Alex. He had to agree with his boyfriend; he was cute. “So, what’s your name, kid?”

John introduced himself to Laf (he/him or they/them) and Herc (he/him), and with all their members in attendance, Angelica stood and called everyone to attention to start the meeting.

She set them up to talk in pairs, get to know one another. But John quickly realized that everyone already knew each other, and that he was the only person really meeting anyone for the first time. “A-Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I just stay with you? I… feel left out.”

Eliza, who Alex had been first paired up with, frowned. “Are we making you feel left out, honey?”

“No, um, it’s not anyone here. But everyone else seems to already know each other, while I don’t know anyone except for Alex.” His hands had unconsciously moved to hold onto Alex’s arm, and he didn’t even notice until Alex was gently patting his hand.

“I don’t mind if you stay with me. Here, we’ll meet everyone together.” He wrapped an arm around John’s shoulder and steered him back to Peggy, who had been John’s partner for the first round of conversation.

As they rotated through partners, John always by Alex’s side, he got to learn a little about everyone.

Peggy was a lesbian; her sisters had helped her come out to their parents before they themselves were out. Peggy was the youngest of the Schuyler sisters, and actually wouldn’t be starting college until the next year, but she was easily let into the club because her oldest sister was one of the club presidents. She liked coming to the meetings, liked the companionship she found in the other members, and saw it as a time with her sisters that she could count on in the midst of their hard college work. It was also a break from her own advanced studies, as school had left time for no other clubs, and her school was pretty conservative. She wasn’t planning to go to City College like her sisters did, but she would continue to come to meetings if she stayed in the area.

“I think you’re gonna like this group,” she said with a smile, patting John’s hand. He smiled, grateful for the assurance.

They accidentally spent too much time with Peggy, so John’s conversations with the others were generally shorter but no less pleasant. Laf was in their first year of college, and was indeed Alex’s brother. He was studying political science, and he and his boyfriend were both pansexual. Herc had finished college last year, but he was a veteran member and stuck around because he was so close to everyone still in the group. He’d seen many members come through here since Angelica had started it, had seen the numbers dwindle down to what they had tonight. He worked in the fashion industry, and ran a blog for which Laf often modelled. “Never get into business with a romantic partner,” he warned, even as they kissed briefly before pairs were shuffled again.

Eliza was a sweetheart, and probably put the most energy into making sure John was comfortable, after Alex. She’d been a member from the beginning, a trans bisexual woman, and she and Alex were longtime friends. “We met at orientation before our first semester.” John liked her right away.

He liked Angelica too, but more in admiration than with a desire for friendship. She immediately impressed John as an intelligent woman with a lot of willpower, and it was no surprise to him that she’d started up Queer & Co. from nothing. Her relationship with Alex was an interesting one; it was clear they were friends at least as long as Alex was friends with Eliza, and they seemed close on a different level.

_ He clearly likes her better than you. _

John shook the thoughts from his head. He tried to take a few deep breaths, but it wasn’t helping. Tears were burning in his eyes.

_ You stupid shit, crying for no reason in front of a bunch of strangers. _

“Hey. Are you okay?” It was Angelica. Her eyes were concerned as she watched him start to hyperventilate.

_ You’re getting them worried over nothing. You’re pathetic. _

Alex didn’t hesitate. He gently took John by the arm, shielding him from the rest of the group’s curious gaze, and got him out into the hallway. 

Alex let go of him, kept himself at arm’s length, but he stayed. “Breathe, John.” He waited a moment to see if he would react, but no such luck. “Can I touch you?”

John hiccuped, sobbed, and nodded.

Alex gently took John’s hand and held it to his stomach. “Try to match this.” He took in a slow, deep breath, let it out just as slowly. He kept repeating until John was mimicking the new breathing pattern, kept repeating still until John was breathing normally again. “You’re okay. You’re okay. Look how well you did.”

“Alex?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” He rubbed both of John’s arms, offering him a smile. “I’m gonna ask you in ten minutes if you want to talk about what just happened. Is that okay?”

John nodded. He was still in a bit of a haze, tired, but shocked at how Alex handled that. “Hey, um, Alex?”

“Hm?”

“Does that happen to you too?”

Alex laughed softly, tucking a stray curl behind John’s ear. “Yeah, it does.”

John cautiously stepped closer, pressed their bodies together, rested his head on Alex’s shoulder.

“You’re tired.”

“Mhm.”

“Me too. Wanna head out?”

“I don’t… I don’t want the others to feel bad.”

“They won’t. I’ll talk to them if you want.”

“You won’t tell them what happened.”

Alex shook his head. “Of course not.”

John smiled, just a little, and nodded. “Thank you… Thank you.”

Alex reached out and squeezed his hand, smiling back. He headed back inside, promising he’d be back in just a minute.

John could hear him through the door.

“Hey guys, I’m getting pretty tired, and John offered to walk me home. We’re gonna head out, yeah?”

John blushed. He heard some indistinct but affirming voices, and goodbyes exchanged, and then Alex was back out in the hall with him. Alex was smiling, stretched, and straightened himself out. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah.” He took Alex’s hand.

 

They walked together. The sun had just set, the sky still just a little light, but it drew to full darkness by the time they reached John’s building. He frowned a little.

Alex noticed. “What’s wrong?”

“There are no stars out.”

Alex laughed softly. “Yeah, we don’t see them in the city much.”

“I miss them.”

Alex bumped his shoulder. “Me too.” He yawned deeply; so he really had been tired.

Before he could really think it over, John asked him. “Alex? Do you want to stay?”

Alex turned to look at him with just a little shock, but it quickly melted into an endearing laugh. “You look so shocked with yourself for asking.”

It was teasing, but not the kind of teasing that made John feel bad or self-conscious. Alex teased in a voice that was sugary sweet, full of kindness. His banter with John was even softer than he had with Liz or even Angelica. The corners of Alex’s tired eyes crinkled every time he spoke to John, like he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. And John really wasn’t used to that, but he thought he could quickly get used to it.

If John Laurens was going to be selfish for once in his life, it was going to be now, because he could believe all the thoughts that told him he didn’t deserve Alex but he wasn’t giving Alex up for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're giving me cavities.


	7. Chapter 7

“Yeah, I’ll stay.”

They went upstairs together, John’s mind whirring a mile a minute.  _ He thinks you’re gonna sleep with him. He’s gonna be expecting it. And if you let him hit it he’ll leave you first chance he gets. _

“John?” 

Suddenly Alex’s hand was on his shoulder, and John jumped at the touch. He just barely met Alex’s eyes, but found they were full of concern, gently searching his own for why he’d gotten so anxious again.

“John? Hey, if you’re not comfortable having me over, I don’t have to, it’s okay. I’ll text Herc, he’ll come and walk home with me.” There was nothing dishonest in his voice: even John, as warped as his perceptions could get sometimes, knew that if he turned Alex away now, Alex wouldn’t resent him. They’d see each other again in class, sit next to one another, make pleasant and warm conversation whenever they could. Maybe Alex would even take his hand. Maybe he’d still have a chance to make Alex his own.

And that honesty should’ve only encouraged John to back out of the situation now. But the expectation that Alex only wanted to sleep with him melted away in the sweetness of Alex’s words. “No. I’d rather you stay.” He fumbled with the key to unlock the door. “Um, we’ll watch a movie or something.”

Alex laughed and stepped inside behind him. “Oh, John, is this a date now?”

“No. I mean, uh, it could be.”

“Hey. Whatever we want to call it, I just like getting to spend time with you.” Alex took in the apartment. John had been working to make it his own; every room was full of color to the extent that it didn’t breech his lease agreement. Alex let out a low whistle. “Nice place. How many people living here?”

“Um, it’s just me.”

“Oh, nice! You’ll have to get me a job at wherever you’re working to afford a place like this.”

_ Oh no. _ “U-Uh… Actually my- my dad pays the rent…”

“... Huh. Well, you’re pretty lucky, huh?”

“Sorry…”

“Hey. Why… Why are you apologizing?” Alex laughed softly and moved to get a better look at him. “No shame in taking advantage of what resources you can get. You, um… you don’t seem like you want to be mooching off your family’s money or something.”

“I don’t.”

“See? You’re just doing what you have to.”

John nodded, stiffly, but smiling. “Are you hungry?”

“Famished.” Alex grinned. “What are we having?”

“I can make some veggie burgers.”

“You’re trying to indoctrinate me into your rabbit cult. That’s what this is.”

John laughed, loudly. “I swear you’ll like them.”

“What are they made of?”

“Black beans.”

Alex hummed softly. “You have one chance to convince me. Use it wisely.”

John grinned and patted Alex’s arm on the way to pull out a pan.

 

“Okay… Okay, I think the whole rabbit food thing might be legit.”

John took a bite of his burger to hide his smirk. “Well, what about that movie?”

“Hold on. Eating.” Alex finished his last bite, having gotten through his burger twice as fast as John, and wiped his hands on a paper towel. “Okay. Any movie, your choice, my treat.” He pulled up his Amazon Prime account. “Y’know, I hate this damn company, but it’s ubiquitous. You can’t escape. Not since Netflix went to shit.”

“Mm, then we’ll have to make our movie choice count.”

Alex raised his hands in mock defense. “Hey, this is on you. I’m just paying.”

“Alex, you really don’t have to.”

“You just fed me. And also, I’ll probably like whatever you choose, and then I get to keep it.”

John set his plate back on the table and curled up closer to Alex. If asked, he’d say it was just so he could get a look at his options, and then he’d say that he was lying and he just really liked being close to Alex. Too bad that didn’t come up. “Well, what movies do you already have?”

Alex’s virtual film collection was actually pretty huge. They spent a good few minutes debating their choices before coming upon something that caught John’s interest. “You have  _ Love, Simon _ ?”

“Oh, yeah! Have you seen it?”

John swallowed. “No, I, uh… wasn’t able to.”

“Well, nothing’s stopping us now, right?”

John looked up at Alex. Alex, who had called him his boyfriend earlier. He smiled and tucked his cheek back against Alex’s, his boyfriend’s, shoulder. “Yeah. Nothing stopping us.”

“I guess that settles it, then.”

They snuggled up on the sofa to watch the movie on Alex’s laptop. They had to pause it several times when John would start crying; Alex would just hold him a little tighter, let him take whatever time he needed: “You press play when you’re ready.” 

_ “You can exhale now.” _

John spent a good chunk of the film with his face buried into Alex’s chest. The movie was really good, but it was so hard to focus when all sorts of thoughts were uncomfortably buzzing around his skull.

Two and a half hours and six tearful intermissions later, Alex finally asked if John wanted to talk about what had gotten him so upset. It wasn’t like he hadn’t expected the film to hit close to home, but he also thought maybe John would benefit from being able to talk it out.

“When you’re ready.”

John let himself calm down a bit before he said anything. “I… haven’t come out to my family or anything. No one back home knows.”

“It’s none of their business.”

“But now I’ll- I’ll never get to tell my mom. She… died two years ago.”

Alex nodded in understanding.

“She… She was so full of love. I- I know she loved me so much. But I was always too scared to tell her, because what- what if she didn’t love me anymore?”

“You made what choice felt right for you.”

John just stared at him a moment. Alex’s own eyes were solemn, a little sad, and John couldn’t imagine that was just for him. “And now that I’m out, at least here in New York, I just… I wonder if she’d still love me. If she’s looking down on me and is proud of me.”

He couldn’t say any more after that, his voice lost in another onslaught of sobs.  _ You fucking idiot. You’re so fucking fragile. How many times is Alex gonna let you cry in front of him before he decides you’re not worth it? And what about Mama? Do you really think she’d be proud of you acting like this? _

Alex pulled John into his arms, holding him tight. He pressed his face into John’s neck before pulling back just enough to mumble, “Hey. I don’t know if it helps, but I wonder the same thing a lot.”

The conversation ended there. The sobs eventually quieted, the tears dried, and they fell asleep on the couch like that.


	8. Chapter 8

August was nice. September was nicer; John spent a lot of time with Alex when they weren’t doing homework and Alex wasn’t working. John occasionally thought about getting a job himself, but he was worried that would mean more time away from Alex. He’d rather have Alex. 

By the end of September, the idea that Alex was going to leave him was starting to dissipate, but it was their fifth sort-of date that really solidified it for him.

Alex had showed up at John’s apartment at ten in the morning on a mild Saturday morning. John had been up for a couple of hours (or, up in the sense that he was awake), lying in bed and playing Tetris on his phone. At first he decided to ignore it, figuring if it was really important they’d come back later, but the knocking continued. John groaned and rolled over, then back again, willing away the stomach ache that had been plaguing him all night. 

“John! Hey, it’s me!”

John scrambled to get up out of bed and into the bathroom, and tried to make himself presentable. He didn’t want Alex to see him looking like shit. He took a swig of mouthwash while he got the rest of himself ready. His hair was a tangled mess that he definitely didn’t have time to brush, so he threw it up into a messy ponytail that probably looked even worse. “Fuck.” The greenish liquid came spilling out of his mouth onto his shirt before he could spit the rest into the sink. He gave up on his hair and wrestled the scrunchie back out of his curls; it’d make it easier to play it like he’d just woken up. But now his pajama shirt was wet, and he probably smelled after sweating in it all night.

Alex was knocking again. “John?” he’d called. “Are you okay in there?”

“Yeah, I’m coming!”  _ Shit _ . He shook himself out and, thinking he was going to vomit, made a quick detour to the toilet before deciding he didn’t need it. John headed to the front door but paused in front of it. Alex was going to see him like this.  _ Have we been together long enough for him to see me sick like this? He’s gonna be turned off. Fuck. Fuck. _

“John!”

John opened the door.

Alex was standing there in his forest green sweater and holding a brown paper bag. He winced, but in concern rather than the disgust John had expected. “Aw, poor baby.” He stepped closer and kissed John’s head before coming further into the apartment.

“Alex, what are you doing here?” John’s voice was soft, his eyes averted.

“You told me you were sick.”

John squeezed his eyes shut. He’d texted Alex to let him know that he had to cancel for their date tonight. Even if he’d felt better, he knew he’d be too tired to go out like they’d planned. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“No, don’t be sorry, it happens.” Alex laughed and messed with John’s hair a little, twirling a knotted curl around his finger. “You’ll see, once we get into winter you’ll need to be dealing with Sick Alex all the time. It isn’t pretty.”

John smiled. “We can be miserable together.”

“In the meantime, I’ve got some stuff that might help you feel better.”

John watched as Alex unloaded the contents of the bag onto his dining table. Two bottles of ginger ale, a bag of peppermints, a box of lemon tea, packets of honey, and a sheet of bubble wrap. “Alex… This is so sweet…”

Alex grinned and sighed in relief. “I’m glad you like it. You want me to make you some tea?”

John nodded, eyes shyly downcast again, and unwrapped a mint and popped it into his mouth. Alex set to heating up water in the Keurig. “Alex, you really didn’t have to do any of this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful for it, but… I don’t want you to get sick.”

Alex turned, one eyebrow raised, and smirked. He moved back over to John while the machine whirred behind him, and kissed his nose. “Hey. If you get me sick, then you can do the same for me, if you want.”

John pulled on the neckline of Alex’s sweater, tugging him down so he could kiss him. “You’ll have to let me know what you want in your little care package.”

Alex laughed and shook his head. “You’ll have to guess!”

“I’m just gonna get you the same stuff, then.”

“I’m more a chamomile person.” He kissed his cheek before jogging back to the mug of hot water. “Where would you rather cuddle, babe? On the couch or your bed?”

“Bed.”

“Alright, let me just finish your tea and we’ll head to your bed.”

And so that was Alex’s first time in John’s bed. John frowned at how unsexy it was, but he had to admit, Alex doting on him when he was feeling all gross was actually pretty romantic.

And over the week between John feeling better and Alex getting sick, John inconspicuously caught everything that Alex might like for his own care package. So they spent the last weekend of September with chamomile tea, Sprite Zero, cherry lozenges, a  _ Law & Order _ marathon, and lots of cuddling.

Alex had fallen asleep against John’s chest, a soft smile on his peaceful face. And John kissed his forehead, knowing the two of them were in this for the long run.

Alex was still feeling pretty sick, but John was feeling the best he had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about the characterizations right now. Feedback (inc. constructive criticism) would be much appreciated.


	9. Chapter 9

Mid-October meant midterms. John found the time relatively stressless for himself; getting to be a more complete version of himself, and being much happier for it, allowed him to return to the As and Bs he had gotten before the Worst Years of His Life had come along. Weird, right? John smiled and kept working on an essay that was due the night before. He’d like to get a jump on it now so that it wasn’t all left for the last minute.  _ Almost done… _

But as time ticked on, John found himself getting more distracted. He was checking his phone more often than not. His eyes skimmed the library, looking for the familiar face he was waiting on. Alex was supposed to meet him at four, but by four-thirty there was no sign of him.

_ Fifteen minutes, and I’ll go look for him. _ In the meantime, he sent a text.

**_John:_ ** _ Alex, are you okay? Are we still meeting? _

Fifteen minutes passed, no change. John shut his laptop and left his coffee behind as he set off in search of his boyfriend.

It didn’t take very long. Actually, the first place John checked turned out to be just the right spot.

He heard sniffling and choked gasps from one of the bathroom stalls. “Are you alright in there?”

“John?”

John winced. “Alex, could you unlock the door?”

“I saw your text, I’m sorry, I—”

“Don’t worry about that, Lex, I just wanna see you.”

“I’m a mess, John—”

“That’s okay. Can you let me in?”

He heard the clack and slide of the stall lock and carefully pulled the door open. Alex was sitting on the toilet, knees pulled up to his chest, pale, deep bags and tear streaks under his eyes.

John didn’t say anything. He hung his laptop bag up on the door and squeezed into the small space between Alex and the wall, and pulled him into a gentle hug. Alex was so terribly tense, stiff in his arms, but he didn’t pull away or ask that John release him (John knew, or hoped, that they were at a point in their relationship that he would be comfortable making such a request). But after just a few moments in his boyfriend’s embrace, Alex fell to pieces, his only deficit in laxness coming through in how he pressed himself into the steady body holding him. John tucked Alex’s head under his chin and ran a hand over his stringy, knotted hair.

Neither knew how long they stayed like that, but the next time John checked the time, it was past five-thirty.

Alex’s eyes were averted when he finally spoke, just a moment after they pulled themselves apart. “John…”

“When you’re ready.”

Alex looked slightly stunned, but a soft smile quickly came to his face. “Thank you…”

“Wanna go back to your place?”

Alex nodded and finally stood, joints audibly creaking.

 

Alex’s apartment was definitely nothing special, but it was home —a two-bedroom home for Alex and four other people, but home nonetheless. Actually, John noticed, it was remarkably clean for a space that should be too packed with people to get any effective cleaning done. This was John’s first time here. “It’s nice.”

“Thanks.” Alex smiled and led John to his own space. He’d already told John some time ago that he was the one without a bedroom, which was for the better, because Laf and Herc were dating, and “Mads” and “Jeffershit” were also together, so it was probably for the best that Alex didn’t have to share rooms with any of them. But just because he didn’t have a bedroom per se didn’t mean Alex hadn’t made the little nook his own. Probably the most cluttered spot in the house, too, though not messy. Alex had a bed and a bookcase and a little desk and various appliances and trinkets squeezed into what would’ve been a closet in John’s family home.

Alex sat on the bed. He patted the spot next to him on the quilt, and John sat with him.

“Hey, um… Thank you. For all that.”

John smiled a little. “It’s no problem, Alex.”

“No, really. No one’s, um… really been able to make me feel better like that before. Not during— during exams.”

John nodded slowly, running through his choice of words carefully. “Is that what had you so stressed?”

“Yeah.” Alex looked away and bit his lip. “Always happens. Too much.”

Drawing on Alex’s reaction earlier, John reached over and gently rubbed his back. Alex choked back a sob. “That was pretty brave of you earlier. I know it’s not easy to be so vulnerable in front of someone.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I understand.”  _ What would he want someone to say to him in a situation like this? _ ... “Alex, I know nothing I could say about getting anxious and everything would help. I know it doesn’t work like that, because I know how smart you are, and I’m sure you’ve tried telling yourself it’s not worth getting so stressed about before. I’m sure you’ve told yourself, no, it’ll all be okay, just stop worrying and get your work done.”

Alex was silent for a moment, and John started to regret what he said until, “I’m not the only one who’s told me that.”

“It doesn’t help, does it?”

“Never.”

“So what does?”

Alex’s hand shot out and grabbed John’s, squeezing it tightly like he’d never let go. “I don’t know.” His face was hard but his voice was soft. “I think… maybe someone just being there with me through it. Like— Like you were.”

John gave him a small smile, even though Alex was still looking away. “Like I still am.”

A new flood of tears built in Alex’s eyes and he finally turned back to look at John, so unrelenting in his there-ness. He wrapped him up in a tight hug, burying his face into his boyfriend’s chest, wanting to stay like that forever.

Was it too early for love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good luck to everyone taking exams! Remember to breathe.


	10. Chapter 10

John let out a loud enough groan to startle Alex. “What’s wrong?”

John showed him the South Carolina number on his buzzing phone. “Give me an excuse to not answer it…”

Alex grinned and set his laptop aside, and crawled into John’s lap. “Can’t answer the phone if we’re making out.” He started with John’s cheeks (both sides) and then his nose before finally kissing him on the mouth. John laughed into the kiss and eagerly returned it, and the two settled back into the sofa while John’s phone went on buzzing.

 

_ ‘Jack? Jack, are you there? Maybe you’re studying. Well, I just wanted to call and let you know I’ll be coming up for a visit next week! We can spend Saturday together. Have you made many friends yet? Have you found a girlfriend? We’ll catch up when I arrive. You haven’t been in touch lately; I hope you’re doing well, son. I’ll see you on Friday!’ _

 

John never checked his voicemail. So, when he and Alex were cuddling on the sofa Friday night, he was startled by a knock on the door. John kissed his equally surprised boyfriend on the cheek, laughing off a comment Alex made about the pizza being super early, and opened the door.

His face fell, and froze that way, upon seeing his father in all his tailored-suit glory.

“Son!” His father came in for a firm handshake before John had finished processing whose hand his own was suddenly dwarfed by. “You didn’t forget I was coming, did you?”

“No.” He couldn’t forget what he’d never known in the first place. “I… just had a long day.”

“My boy’s always got something to do,” his father lied as he nudged his way passed John to enter the apartment. “Where’s your closet?”

“I don’t have a closet. I have a coat rack, will that do?”

His father stared at him like John had cussed him out. “No closet? Then where do your guests put their coats?”

“I left closets behind in Charleston.”

“I should’ve looked into this place a little better.” He shrugged off his sports jacket and hung it with some distaste on the coat rack. “It’ll wrinkle, but we’ll be fine. I won’t be here long, I just wanted to let you know I arrived safely in town.”

“You sure did.”

“Ah, and who’s this…?”

John’s brain surged as he remembered that he’d left Alex with the covers and popcorn on the sofa.  _ Oh no. Oh, no no no. _

“Evening, sir,” Alex said with some hesitation and a very limp wave.

John’s father customarily introduced himself, but with his full name and occupation and may as well have given his sexual history for how long it took for him to finish talking. Or maybe it was that everything was simultaneously moving in slow motion and on fast forward as John’s frazzled mind worked to come up with a way out of this situation.

“Alexander Hamilton,” Alex replied stiffly but concisely.

“You look quite… cozy there, Mr. Hamilton.”

“Alex is just a friend,” John blurted out. And suddenly two sets of eyes were on him. He squeezed his eyes shut, briefly, blocked them out ( _ Alex is gonna hate me for this _ ), but when he opened them again, his father’s bewildered gaze stood in stark contrast to the understanding in Alex’s own.

“A friend?” There was hardly a questioning tone to it. John had the expanse of the open apartment to his back, but he felt the walls closing in, backed into a corner.

“He’s just a friend. We were watching a movie while I— I was getting ready for a date.”

His father grinned and clapped his hands together just as John’s stomach was sinking into his kneecaps. “You’ve met someone! How wonderful. You’ll have to invite her to come to dinner with us tomorrow night.

That news might’ve shocked him if his capacity for shock hadn’t well been used up in the last three minutes.

“I’ve made reservations for a hibachi restaurant and got us tickets to the evening showing of  _ The Lion King _ ! I’ve only reserved two for each, but don’t worry, I’ll have made room for your girlfriend by the time we’ll meet up.” His father clapped a hand on his shoulder, a familiar indication that he was about to leave. “I’m proud of you for finally having branched out enough to find a nice girl. We’ll see whether she’ll fit into the family.” 

And without another word, as quickly as he’d come, he was gone. But not for long.

The door shut. John let out an indistinguishable noise. Alex untangled himself from the blanket and stumbled over to wrap John up in his arms. Usually the warmth of his touch would’ve given John some comfort, but as his mind ran through a chorus of  _ WHY DID I SAY THAT _ , no comfort could be found.

 

It was ten minutes until John could think coherent and original thoughts again. It was another hour before he could speak. “I’m sorry, Alex.”

“You’re okay, John.”

“I don’t know why I said that.”

“I understand.”

There were several more minutes of silence. “I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have lied, shouldn’t have had to lie about you, shouldn’t have gotten scared.”

“No, your fear was reasonable. You can’t take back what you said, but we can solve the problem.”

Twelve more minutes of silence. John started waiting for Alex to say something, to explain what he should do to fix this, but he eventually realized that Alex was waiting on him. “I… I thought about saying I broke up with… whoever that girl was supposed to be. But I could see it, Alex. In his eyes. He’s suspicious of us. If I say I broke up with a girl —conveniently the same night I brought her up, the same night we looked like we were being all cuddly— then he’ll be suspicious still. And…” He bit down, hard, on his lip, but didn’t realize he was bleeding until Alex mentioned it. “I can’t tell him about us, Alex. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I want to but I can’t. He’ll… I don’t know what he’ll do, but there’s no good ending there.”

Alex nodded, and kissed his head. “So… we’ll have to take a different approach.”

John stared at him. “You’re… You’re not mad?”

Alex smiled softly and ran a finger over John’s cheekbone, wiping away a tear. “Not even a little. I know you’re in a rough spot. I can’t get you out of it, but I can help you deal with it.”

John hugged him tightly and sobbed into his shoulder, but when he finally pulled away he was smiling. He wiped his own tears this time, and let out a breath. “Okay… So… What’s our plan?”

 

Alex called Angelica and Eliza first, but they had already left to stay with their family in Albany.

“I’m really, really sorry we can’t be there.” Eliza’s voice crackled as she sighed.

“Thanks, Liz. We’ll be fine, enjoy your weekend!”

Alex hung up, his mind already whirring with other options. 

“I don’t have any other female friends,” he mumbled, staring off into the mid-distance. 

John, psychologically exhausted, was curled up against his side, trying to come up with ideas but mind frequently going blank. But if he’d been sitting up, he might’ve seen the light bulb go off behind Alex’s eyes.

Alex pulled out his laptop and logged into Facebook, fingers flying over the keyboard.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to comment!


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